Science, Statistics, Politics, Current Events, Photos and Life.

Friday, December 1, 2006

Single massive asteroid wiped out dinosaurs: study

London, Rooters -- Scientists today revealed the results of an extensive survey regarding the events surrounding the extinction of the dinosaurs. Creatures surveyed admitted 79% to 15% that a single asteroid strike wiped out the dinosaurs. The remaining 6% of creatures responding said either "I don't know" or "Baa" or "how the +bleep+ would I know?". The 15% denyers claimed either multiple asteroid strikes, hand of god, will of the people, act of nature, too much smoking among the youth, and poor urban planning that was just "ruining the neighborhood".

The study used a probability sample of 1001 dinosaurs that were alive at the time of the sample. Unfortunately, due to missing data, lack of response even to multiple callbacks, moved address with no forwarding information, inability to speak either English or Spanish, scientists were forced to expand the eligible pool of participants to include currently extant lizards, birds, dalmatians and small mammals, all of whom were closely related to and descended from species extant at the time of the event.

Dr. Loren Ingalls, PhD, MD, MPH, chief scientist at the National Institutes of BioInfoTechnoDigiCracy and lead author of the study said, "We were happy to get a sufficient sample size so as to answer these important questions about the early evolutionary development of our planet from a time before most of us were born."

He continued: "Evolutionary survey sampling is a science in its infancy. This study gives a taste of the power of the method, and we look forward to further bombshell results in the future."

Other experts surveyed about the study were more sanguine, a few were whiny, but most were dry, only a few questioned were sec on the study. Dr. Haggis O'Tartand of the Harvard Advanced Institute for Renewable Studies (HAIRS) said, "While this is an interesting study, it is hardly conclusive. More studies of this type are needed before confidence can be placed in their repeatability." Professor O. R. Acle of the University of Michigan Consortium for Research into Environmental and Evolutionary Processes complained that, "[T]he methodology needs to be validated by actual surveys of real dinosaurs actually alive during the hypothesized event. This descendant of dinosaur has not been tested against other methodologies."

Ingalls, in defending the study methodology pointed out the results were in startlingly close agreement with physical and geological studies on the events of the era, even agreeing with the best current dating of the asteroid strike occurring 65million years ago. "In fact, our study pinpointed the date as closer to 65,250,907 years ago. Several creatures stated that it was on a Thursday, although this was disputed by one Rhinocerous who said it was the previous Friday, but others pointed out that that was the day of the tailgate party before the big game, and the Rhino's ancesters had had a bit too much to drink, and hadn't woken up until just after the asteroid strike.

The article is scheduled to be published in Science! the Journal! and will be posted on-line in abbreviated form immediately as corrected page proofs are received. Hollywood has already bought rights to the article, and rumors of a Broadway spectacular tentatively titled "Asteroid" are rumored to be in the works.

This article featured reporting by Simon BarSinister in
England and Sheila Coudenbee in a Pickle.

No comments: