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Sunday, August 7, 2011

Parking Signs of Miami Beach

Another in our Signs of the Times posts.  This from Miami Beach. 

Miami Beach came with lots and lots of instructions and we've got signs and signs to share with you.  This first post covers Miami Beach parking instructions.  My my.  So many cars, so few parking spots, and so so many instructions.

A parking inspector gadget for paying for street parking.  If you can find a parking spot, this gadget will let you pay for it.  Notice how much fine print there is, how many details?  Is this really consonant with the claim of 1-2-3 Park?  How long till the marks figure out to damage the solar panel on all the machines, and then no one can buy a parking permit? And put the parking ticket in your windshield, where the Miami Beach heat will wilt it till the printing is invisible. 

And here's the street signage telling you to find the parking inspector gadget.  

A model of clarity.  Clearly this belongs in the parking signage hall of fame.  It appears residents can park here, even though it is a tow-away zone?  But residents only?  Or residents only from 6pm to 7am?  And from 7am to 6pm on Sun through Friday, is it no parking at all or can anyone park here?  Or only cars that wish to be towed away?  And nothing like multiple instructions for Sunday.  Dumpster?  What dumpster? 

Sweet.  Boot my car, and still the customers won't be able to park here.  And if I buy dinner, will you unboot me? 

No spell checkers allowed. 

Let's see.  No parking, tow zone, private property, closed circuit TV.  Wonder what's on? 

Another PhD required to comprehend this sign.  Let's see: tow away zone but not if disabled permit?, reserved parking for Haddon Hall, and Van ok with disabled permit. 

And where am I supposed to park if the Valet is parking here?  Don't those guys take mass transit anyway? 

Clear enough.  I guess the solar powered gadget hasn't been installed here yet. 

A personal favorite.  This picture is to give you an idea of the surround.  The next picture gives you details of what the sign says. 

I had to wait for the wind to blow most of the leaves away so I could even get this much of the sign. 

Is that a singular mopeds and a plural bicycle?  Everyone else is being towed by Beach Towing.  How about here?  Or maybe they'll boot me. 

These last four signs are instructions for using this parking structure.  Parking in Miami Beach is an incredibly complex activity, requiring months of study before you dare to leave your car alone in one of these structures.  And nobody over 6 feet 8 inches.  Yao Ming will have to duck. 

No motorcycles or scooters.  And what if I want to park my motorcycle in out of the rain?  That's sheer prejudice.  Entry is always prohibited except for three activities.  Makes it easy, just don't breathe!

Why is there a monthly rate if its 24 hour parking only?  Or is 24 hour parking referring to how much you're allowed in any one day?  Anyone parking here 28 hours in one day is in violation of the rules.  Daily rates are not cheap.  Better to buy the monthly rate if you plan to visit all day every Saturday. 

Another manual explaining with pictures how to operate the facility.  Approach the solar powered parking ticket machine.  Go sailing on the water.  (Or perhaps that's a metaphor for the pleasure you will receive from interacting with the machine.) Return to the parking ticket machine.  Rinse.  Repeat.  Hopefully once you pay on foot, the fact that it takes an hour or three to get your car out, they still let you exit the structure.  Perhaps one should go at intermission and pay the parking fee, then go back to your show, and exit the structure later? 

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